Robert East

"Betcha I can bake something that tastes like that!"
User: BBC
Gender: Male
I'm Robert East (Not Bob, or Rob, just Robert please), and I'm usually tell people I'm one of the weirder guys on campus. I'm on friendly terms with most everyone at the school, even if the number of people I count as my friends is fairly low. I skate through most of my classes, getting in the solid B-to-A-Minus range not because I'm stupid, more just apatheic about little things like "turning in homework". Different cliques turn to me for dispute mediation, as much for the calming effect of my shining personality as the calming effect of the baked good those powows give me an excuse to bake. What most people don't know is that I'm also from a long line of witches, on both sides.

While it is true that Collinsport was the site of the last known witch hunt, everyone knows you don't find all the witches when you start burning, you just find the ones stupid or crazy enough to get caught. The town tends to go through cycles of panic, though, so you have to keep an eye out for the weird shit that signals the start of another (thankfully figurative now) witch hunt. During the last one, Mom repurposed her cauldron into a stewpot, then complained she had to get a new one since her old one seasoned up so nicely. Dad complained about having to spout even more hippy-dippy bullshit to throw people off our trail, even though his new "new wave hippy-dippy buzzword creating consulting gig" pays the same for fewer hours than his old job. Things have turned out pretty okay since then, so I'm getting kind of paranoid. I'm not Hindu and I don't truly believe in Karma, but I do believe that the good times can't last forever. Hopefully they'll wait for me to graduate, though.

As for me, I muddle through old tomes and find cool shit to do all the time. Turns out that a lot of the "eye of newt, tongue of frog" stupidity really just needs trace vitamins and shit, and you can do a lot with a trip to GNC. The real stuff works so much better, but if all I'm trying to do is make Ashley Katchadorian and Deandra Cullinsbourough stop screaming at each other in math class I just need a minor calm, not a torpor. Plus if you add the right stuff in the right way, almost all of my recepies make the most delicious baked goods you'll ever taste. Just trust me when I tell you not to look at what goes into the oven - it's not normal batter, so why would it look like that? It looks like horrible green baby - oh yeah, I probably shouldn't be talking about that before you start eating. It's delicious though, right? What can I say, cooking's just a talent that runs in the family.

Anyway, that's pretty much it for me. Pretty normal guy, all told. Except the parts that aren't.